Assertiveness lies along a continuum. At one end, passivity equates to acceptance and doing nothing, and at the other end, aggression equates to violence and initiating conflict. When both extremes have negative connotations (being passive versus aggressive), where’s the sweet spot for being assertive?
This definition of assertiveness, “having or showing a confident and forceful personality,” gives direction based on how you’re feeling and how you’re perceived by others.
Do you feel confident or insecure? Powerful or powerless? Like other personality traits, your assertiveness will vary according to the circumstances. In some aspects of your life, you may feel confident, capable of making good decisions and taking action.
“What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.” – Aristotle
When you lack confidence and doubt your ability to make decisions, you may not take any actions at all. Why bother trying if you don’t expect to succeed? Experiencing negative consequences from inaction does not necessarily prompt changes in your future behavior, as passivity can degenerate into learned helplessness. A sense of powerlessness not only impacts your efforts; your passivity can prove so frustrating that others may not want to help you. When you give up on yourself, others will follow suit.
Power gained through aggression and coercion does not help you build healthy, collaborative relationships.
At the other extreme, if your approach to making decisions and taking actions tramples others, you may find success, but lose the willing cooperation of others around you. When perceived as aggression, your means may not justify the ends, unless you’re male, in which case, aggression is tolerated and expected. While gender should not factor into whether someone’s perceived as passive, aggressive or assertive, gender stereotypes persist that apply derogatory labels to aggressive women and passive men, while reaffirming aggressive men with “masculine” labels.
Achieving positive results through your actions strengthens your sense of power.
Our work as beauty professionals depends almost entirely on direct interaction with clients. At times, some clients may perceive our words and actions as aggressive, particularly if they feel threatened or entitled. We have more power than we realize to assert ourselves, like our power to establish boundaries and live our truth. For example, many years ago, I shared this rather blunt statement directly with my clients to communicate my expectations:
After 17 years of providing nail services, we have more than enough experience to know who best suits us. Our ideal client exhibits these qualities:
• insists on trained and licensed professionals;
• respects our time;
• expects a clean, organized salon environment;
• appreciates quality more than convenience;
• enjoys our salon experience;
• schedules in advance;
• values our professional opinions;
• encourages our efforts to improve our skills;
• supports our commitment to the beauty industry;
• and refers family and friends.
Within an industry that treats consumers and professionals as disposable, Precision Nails thrives because we respect ourselves and value our clients.
Expectedly, not every client agreed and those who strongly objected found another salon. I have no regrets.
An earlier version was published by Beauty Cast Network.